Mama, I'm struggling so hard this year. I don't know who I am. I don't who I'm supposed to be. I do so much because I think I'm supposed to. I've tried for so long to be everything that was expected. I feel I've lived my entire life trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be and I've failed so miserably at all of it. I was just never good enough.
I'm going to be 44 this year. I married a good man. Kevin is a _good_ man and I think he loves me even for me and I'm not an easy woman to love. I'm so angry. Marriage is hard and who do I talk to? Is this normal for my age? Am I crazy? I can't talk about this out loud but I feel crazy. I'm so angry about things that are so many years ago. I can't seem to settle it. I can't talk to you about it because that seems so much like passing pain that none of us can do anything about. And we were never supposed to talk about these things. I loved Pop so much but I'm so angry at him. Why am I so angry about things that happened so many years ago? I know you didn't have the best relationship with your parents...so tell me..why am I having flashbacks to things that happened when I was a teenager? I don't want to be.
It drives me crazy, I could have asked. I never did...because I was obedient. To the best of my ability I was obedient. I had the chance when Pop was dying but I didn't ask. I was too scared to ask. I was afraid of of the answer. I was afraid he would tell me because it was my fault. I've tried. Maybe I've not been open enough myself but I'm bereft.
Big bomb, isn't it? Pretty much an unexpected bomb on you? But if I can't discuss this with my Mama (and you're the only one) then I'm pretty well bereft. How do I talk to you about life, about sex, about marriage? You were married nearly 40 years. I've been married for 7. Who else do I ask? You're my mama and I'm struggling. What do I do?
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